All Natural, No Preservatives

Commess University©

Queen Macoomeh

Raise yuh han’ if yuh look like J. Lo or Hallie Berry!

Well dis is de time yuh girl have to siddong an’ shut mih trap oui. I know one setta people but not too many perfeck looking ones like dem two.

Now doh feel is jealous ah jealous eh? I like dem two too bad. Even doh Madame Berry disappoint me in one or two roles she ack in, I still tink she is one good looking chile. I would look exactly like she if yuh turn off de light an’ use yuh imagination. An’ doh talk about Jennifer Lopez. Pappa yo! Dat girl have a figure eh? Oh gooode! Ah see she in a dress when she movie "Maid in Manhatten" open up in Englant. De dress fit she like a glove. Poor me now would look like ah had two fry bake and two dumpling hide under de dress.

All on de TV and in magazine it have snaps wid women I could never look like. But ah not going to lie to you eh, ah still uses to try. Ah used to go in de hairdresser and make dem take my nice tick hair an’ cut it and perm it. But whenever it rain or it snow I in trouble because once it get wet ah does look like ah now coming home from ah j’ouvert morning fete. When dat style went out, ah start going an’ siddong for eight, nine hours to let dem add extension and braid up mih head. Some nice long long cane row so when ah flick mih head ah could nearly lick out somebody eye. Ah try a weave once but ah fly back in de hairdresser de very nex’ day to pull it out because de ting was so heavy and it make mih feel as if somebody was following mih. An' doh talk about de Jheri curl. Jeezanages! yuh know how much bedspread an' pillow case ah had to trow away when de plastic cap slide awf mih head in de night an' dutty up mih sheet!

Yes ah used to do all dat chupidness. For years, advertising an’ TV used to tell me dat mih natural head wasn’t nice. And dat if ah had a little size ah should only wear a duster an’ sappats and stay in de house.

A few years aback me an’ mih hairdresser siddong an’ talk. Ah tell she ah fed up wid all de perm and ting. She say well girl, go natural. Ah get frighten one time. Natural? Yuh mean deal wid my own hair? Fight up wid dis shevay tack tack? Nah boy! Ah want to flick back like J. Lo an’ slick back like Hallie! But ah take she advice and cut off all de perm an’ went natural.

Boy! When dis natural hair start growing in ah did look like ah had a million tambran’ balls stick on mih head. De ting was hard to get a comb troo an’ ah was starting to look like de Jackson Five – all five’ah dem. But ah battle wid it.

Piece by piece mih head start to ease up on de horrors. Ah start coming out in de daytime instead of moving in de night like Nicodemus. Ah start loving up mih hair. Yuh should see yuh girl now. Ah still like mih colour so ah does still do dat slackness. But now ah could flick back an’ not worry it might fly awf and land in somebody roti. Jennifer Lopez cah touch dis! Hallie Berry still have to travel wid a hot comb and plenty grease. I does travel lighter.

Now dat ah see fuh mihself how my natural hair is, ah could kick mihself for trying to look like somebody else all dem years. Ah vex at how much time ah spen’ in de shop putting chemical in mih head. Oh gorm an’ doh talk about how much money ah spen’! If ah add it up over de years ah bet ah have enough to buy Dasheen Bush a conscience.

Is now dat mih head natural ah could see all mih ancestry. Ah have a little sorfy creole curl up by de front and a little dougla wave in de back and all mih blessed Africa on top. Mih head have more character dan de UN.

Ah notice more and more of mih systahs getting smart too. Some was doing it long time but I din get brave until recent. Ah give ah big up to mih ole hairdresser. Joanne girl, tanks doux doux. Yuh give mih ah good advice.

Now when ah look in ah magazine an’ see dem wid de weave and de perm ah does still admire but ah doh aspire. De little extra weight ah have does full out mih dress nice and when de win’ blow ah doh have to hole on to de lamppost before ah blow ‘way.

2002 2003