2003Commess University©
Kids’ Choice
By
Queen Macoomeh
Copyright April 2003
Hear nuh all yuh. It have plenty ting in dis worl’ I doh fully understan’. Plenty ting have my poor head tie up. Ah know is not everyting I will get to understand but ah want somebody try an' explain mih dis one.
De udda evening I sit dong wid my chile to watch "Kids Choice Awards" on TV. All yuh ever watch it? De chirren does chose what star and what show dey like and vote fuh dem and den it have ah award event and chirren pack up in de place and dey give awards to celebrities and ting. Not no chickie-pet stars eh? It had big stars like Will Smith and Michele
Pfeiffer and Brad Pitt calling out de prizes. Is like a Junior Oscars.So anyway de show start. One long list of guests coming so I figure I might well enjoy myself too. Well boy! It was the most ratchifee ting I ever see.
First to begin dey had dat loud girl, Rosie O'Donnell on it, like she selling fish in Central Market. Den it had some singers who cah sing, only lip sinking like Millie Vanilli. It had one setta stars talking one setta nonsense. Dey even had dat druggie Drew Barrymore on de show. What she have to teach my chile?
Now doh misunderstand mih eh? I doh mine if Lil BowWow or BooHoo or whatever de chile name, is a rapper. I like some rap music. I doh mine if he head tie in a washrag wid a hat on top, because I an’ all does wear mih washag on mih head when ah cleaning out de house. I doh even mine if he pants henging awf he bamsee. But hear de lyrics from one of he chune:
I ain't gonna front yeah, I'm about the mon-ey
I ain't gonna front, I gotta keep my flow
I ain't gonna front, yea I'm all about the honeys
When they shake shake bounce, you already know
Akse me if dat suitable for little chirren.
Den dey had de Belching Award.
Tell me someting. When you was small growing up. Do you remember doing such a ting? Imagine you sitting down at de dinner table and letting go one big nasty belch. Did anybody clap and tell you how nice dat was? Or did yuh fadda reach across de table and nearly lick awf yuh head wid one hard slap?
Big people belching an’ passin’ win’ on de stage. Akse me if dat is someting to teach my chile. I big an’ ole and to dis day even if I by mihself in de house ah does cover mih mout’ and say excuse me. Yuh doh do dem ting in public. Is me alone who cah understand dis? Since when belching and poomin' all over de place is a style?
An’ den it have a part where dey pelting food and someting call Slime, all on people. In a world where half of we starving, dey pelting food. An’ den we does be so surprise when udda countries get vex wid de way we does waste tings. We have an abundance but instead of sharing, we pelting it at each udda and laughing. Dat doh song like madness to you?
An’ doh talk about advertising! Pappa Yo! Dey showing tings to make yuh chile akse you for dem. Doh tell me about modern tren’. Ah not dat schtupid. I know tings plenty different from when you and me was growing up but oh gawshe man. Is advantage dey taking advantage.
Dem advertisers trying to make we chirren a pappyshow! Ent troot? Dey know dat we love dem and want dem have tings we din have so dey putting all kine’ah nonsense to sell de chirren. An’ is little little chirren ah talking about not teenagers. Dey want dem to look like Britney and lil BooHoo. See troo clodes an’ a flower pot hat bury down on dey head. Dat is a style? Talking about having sex and making money is suitable for a small chile? Dey ready fuh dat at 8 and nine years ole?
And where is de talent? Which one of dem so call young stars have real talent? When yuh turn awf de synthesizer and low dong de backgrong music, can dey really sing? Ah does shake mih head at de commess dat boy Michael Jackson does get involve in, but jump high or jump low de boy was a talented little chile. Doh argue dat!
I doh mine some of de new tings it have nowadays but some not right at all. Den dey wondering why de chirren so wayward. Is not dem who wayward. Is not dem who doing marketing and advertising.
Tell mih ah lie nuh?