I am going to apply to de Government of Canada to open ah school in my yard. I am going to call it Commess University. I going to be de Dean and de onlyest teacher.

Dis University will focus on de Art of Being a West Indian. When yuh done study by me you will have yuh B.A. in Comm – dat stan’ for Bacchanal Laureate in Commess. Ah have everyting plan. De University will accept only doze of Caribbean Heritage or doze who want to be like we. Ah know plenty people go line up to join in.

Commess University go have a tree year program. De first year will have two lesson. Lesson One will be How to Steupse. I fine people losing de art of steupsing. When some people try, dey does jes be spitting up in people face, especially if de plate not fitting good. Foreigners cah steupse at all so ah know dem will be de majority in dat class. People doh know it have degree of steupsing too. Each kind of steupse have a different meaning.

Lesson Two will be How to Belly Laugh. All yuh done realize when a Caribbean person laugh, it does song plenty different from when everybody else laugh, ent? We doh jes laugh and done. We does get up and walk, we does slap we foot, we does bawl out ting like "oh gaaarde!" We does hole on to de nex’ person so we doh fall dong laughing. Is troot ent? We laugh does come from de soul of we foot right up. We whole face does get involve. I fine some outside people does laugh like dey in a song proof room. De laugh doh involve nobody else and it does end right where it start.

How to Belly Laugh will have a part where we study all we long time chirren games like Pinchy Pinchy Flyaway an’ Red Rover an’ What’s the Time Mister Wolf.

De second year program go be harder. Lesson Tree will be How to Give Fatigue. Dat lesson would be combine wid studies on How to take Fatigue and Picong. Ah hope no Americans line up for dat class becaw ah might make dem cry. Dem too bravé dange fuh me oui. One of dem get vex when we call he ah moron so yuh could imagine if we pelt name like mamapoule, mirasme an’ dus’ bim terrier. Look rucktion!

Second Year also have Lesson Four which will be How to Not Put Goat Mout on People. Now doh feel is obeah ah dealing wid. But I fine some people does talk so blinking much dat dey does put goat mout on yuh business and stop your plans from coming troo. Ah bet all yuh know people who yuh cah tell yuh business to because in two twos dey telling everybody. Dey so bad-mind dat next ting yuh know all yuh plan tun ole mas. Dey always passing dey mout on people. So dat lesson will teach people how to put a lock on dey mout.

Terd year go be de hardest hard. Ah not making joke wid mih students. Terd year go have Lesson Five, which is How to Drevay.

Drevaying not easy. It take practice an’ I might lose one’a two students because dey cah fine dey way back. When yuh drevay, dew does hit yuh head before yuh come in de house. Drevaying mean people does spot yuh in places yuh have no right in. Yuh does surprise people when dey bounce yuh up all over de place. How to Drevay will include classes on Knocking About and Straying. Married people cah take dis class. Ah not encouraging slackness.

How to Cook and Eat Real Food go be de final lesson. Yuh go learn de difference inbetween callallo bush and dasheen bush. One is a food, de nex’ one is a moron. Yuh go learn how to cook rice and burn de bottom to make bun bun widdout spoiling de food. Yuh go learn how to eat a roti widdout a knife an’ fork. You will get to realize dat a doughnut is not a meal. Yuh go learn to cook in de oven too, not jes on top de stove.

Ah know plenty student go drop out because de wuk too hard. But ah making sure by de time you graduate, yuh could hole yuh own in a Caribbean crowd.

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