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Virtual Bobol By Queen Macoomeh Copyright April 2007
Ah going to get tree hundred million dollars US fuh free!! Yes is troot! Ah sharing out! Ah buying ah mas costume fuh everybody fuh Caribana! Ah din even buy no lottree ticket or enter any competition. It was easy! I was here siddong in meh drawing room mine’in meh business and decide to go on de people internets to check meh email. Ay ay, when I open it ah fine out dat some body in Nigeria dead and leave me tree hundred million dollars! I doh know nobody in Nigeria eh. But dat doh mean nutting. De letter tell me de person who dead is some owner of 5 oil well and had 19 house wid 600 acre per house. Apparently is some distant relation of mines who I never hear bout but who had me in he will. All I have to do is sen’ meh full name, social insurance number, telephone number, date of birt’ and meh shoe size so dey could verify meh identity. Den once dey do dat, ah have to sen’ de sollysittor meh bank acconk inflamation so dey could deposit meh inheritance. As de sole benefitionary ah getting it all, no tax. Now…my mudda have two chirren. Nidda one of we need psychiatrick attention. Nidda of we ever went in de mad house. But de funnies’ ting, is dat it have people who would do it! Imagine dat eh? How dotish I have to be, to give some faceless person on de internets all meh inflamation? Dey good doh eh? Dey does make de ting song real. Some big name, big money, official looking address. So if you lil chupidy yuh go get ketch. De internets is Tantana Central Market oui. Yuh could fine tout baghai dey. From website learning yuh how to make bomb in yuh garage, to website promoting racial hatred to website wid naked people showing all what Papa Gawd give dem. Not me nuh. I does get some email here, all ah could do is laugh. Ah get offer to enlarge meh bosoms, smallen meh bosoms, lenken meh penile implant, whiten meh teet, darken meh skin, lorse 200 pongs overnight and grow taller. Ah get offer to become a doctor in 2 weeks or sell meh right kidney on ebay. Ah get ah offer of marriage from a Japanee man in Chile and tree Columbian chirren write and say dem belongs to me. Den it have ‘work-at-home’ bobol. Dey say yuh could stop in de house and make 50 tousand in one week. Now akse me dis ting. What it is you could be doing in yuh house to make 50 tousand in one week? You is a Soprano? You is Donal' Trump outside chile? But yet still deze work-at-home bobolists making money. People senning een registration fee to join. Den all yuh get is more email saying yuh have to send more money. Is not you who making de 50 tousand – is dem who stopping in dey house collecking your money! De one dat does get meh fretful is dem chain letter. Gorm! One setta pretty poetry, lovely prayer and ting, angel wing and flower, den in de last line it say if yuh doh send dis to every body yuh know, yuh go lorse all yuh hair, lorse yuh job, yuh bottom go get flat, yuh go get mash in de road and plenty eczema go come out on yuh foot. Why people senning deze ting? If is not dat den is so-call news emails wid wrong, malicious or bacchanal report. How dey spot Elvis doing de Passa Passa wid a no-teet woman in a dancehall in Miami. Or dey fine evidence proving dat George Bush is de love chile of Idi Amin and Barbie. Why I want to know if Angelina Jolie leave Brad Pitt for Bouncy? Who care if Halle Berry have dandriff or if Oprah fine Stedman interfering wid de neighbour dawg? People taking advantage of dis technicology to waste my time man. Shims. But de worse one is dem who sitting in front de computer making virus to mash up yuh ting. Actually taking de time Papa Gawd give dem to destroy what you work hard to buy. And when dey get ketch dey pleading insanitary. Yuh ever see madness so? Dey sen’ yuh ah email looking very innocent or important and as soon as yuh open it BRAGADANG! Yuh whole computer mash up. But putting all joke aside, ah want yuh do someting fuh meh please. Yuh see dat computer? If yuh have young chirren in de house doh lef’ it dey fuh dem to go on it vikey vi. Pay attention to see what it is dey viewing and who it is dey chatting wid online. Hear nuh. It have people out dey coil up like mapipire waiting fuh yuh chile! Not jes rude talk or even rude snaps but dey enticing yuh chile who you bawl dong de hospital and make, to come out and meet dem. Nex’ ting yuh know yuh chile lorse or worse, dey fine she or he in a canal somewhere. Take dat serious eh? De same way yuh woon leave de chile in a back alley rumshop is de same way yuh cah leave dem alone on de internets. Yuh hearing meh?
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