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Commess University ©

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Queen Macoomeh

Sometimes ah does read de papers and wonder if mankine go ever evolute. Ah does shake meh head and leggo steupse after steupse.

Take fuh example dem climbers who dey looking for in ah snow storm. Now akse me dis ting. Is February. It cole. De wedda bad. Whey you going climbing hill? Ent it was only few weeks aback when some climbers went up some mountain or de udda and get lorse and is only bodies dey fine? So why deze nex’ setta people put on dey clodes and gorn up? Dey make dem chupid so?

Now ah realize it have some of we dat like extreme sport. Not everybody dotish like me only wid meh soccer, meh hockey, meh tennis. Dem uddas would tell me I is a Frighten Friday. Dey want meh bunji jump, dey want meh skydive, dey want meh climb Mount Everest, dey want meh swim wid sharks telling me how de shark doh bite. Dat ting five times my size wid teet like ah rusty saw and dey telling me come in de water and swim as if de shark sign paper saying he ah vegetarian now. Or I should tie a piece’ah string on my foot and jump awf a bridge. If de string buss half way dong who head opening like a calabash?

So deze people gorn and get lorse up on some snow mountain and endangering rescuers to have to come look fuh dem.

Yuh notice yuh does never fine ah Caribbean person in dem foolishness? Yuh mad? Why we coming out we house to go and look fuh Basil? De only ice we want is in we glass and den to buss two rum. We looking to book flight to some warm place to relax. Yuh doh fine we booking no wilderness trip up behine Papa Gawd back.

Doh laugh. Ent is troot? We idea of extreme sport is trying to squeeze into a fete after dey close de gate.

De nex’ headline is dis jammet Anna Nicole Smith.

Well yes. De ole people say if yuh live long enough yuh go see everyting. Is troot becaw I see dis girl do some tings papa.

When she son dead de udda day, as ah mudda, ah feel sorry. Parents shouldn’ bury dey chirren. But look she come and dead all in a sudden and leave she lil baby girl behine.

But de bacchanal really start when six and seven baby daddy arrive to claim de chile. I had was to laugh. My people does run in de opposite direction but here I see man coming from all over bawling how dem is de fadda. Dey always saying is only we who have commess but look dis ting now.

Madam Smith look like she had ah futon strap on she back wid every body from de mailman right troo to some immigration big pappie in de Bahamas. Yuh hear he resign as soon as de snaps come out showing he spread like molasses all over dis jammet? Hear nuh. How come when you look like she, yuh does get front page news, but all like me so, if I do dem tings, meh mudda disowning me, meh frens disappear and ah cah fine a job?

I see dis woman on stage at some award show, more drunk or high dan any sailor I ever see on carnival day. Could you imagine me doing dat? See me on CITYTV fuh Caribana. Meh head uncomb, meh lipstick sliding all up by meh eye socket and breathing booze in people face? No matter how rich I is, yuh tink dey go call me again to give award?

De nex’ blessed one is dat astronaut dey ketch de udda day trying to kidnap and kill somebody. Well Lawd have His Mercy. Dey say de woman drive from Texas to Florida to go and cause bodily harm to some outside woman she fella had.

Ah have to akse yuh again. Yuh SURE is we alone who like commess??

De woman put on ah pampers so she could drive straight troo widdout stopping to use de latrine. Dis is ah astronaut eh? When de UFO and dem bounce up NASA spaceship, dis is de woman dey was going and meet firse. Look who we senning to represent humans on earth. De woman is one star short of a constellation oui!

Ent dem have to go troo psycho-analyssic tess and ting? How dey miss dis head case? A time I went to apply to buy a new car by de dealership. De man in de orfice akse meh one setta question before dey give meh de key to ah lil chupid car. An look dey give dis woman de keys to drive ah whole rocket ship.

Yuh doh fine reading de news deze days have more comedy dan ever before?

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ohjeezamages, maccomeh! Hear nuh girl, dat astronaught beat bat all cockfight in trute girl! She beat back all dem St. Ann's patients! (TG)

You have to stop sending me these things late at night or at work. I cracked up here and had coffee coming out of my nose. I can only read you during the weekend in the daytime. You are a dangerous woman. They are going to put me in the madhouse! (HG)

Bonjay, ah go dead here, oui! Tank God ah did go to de batroom fuss. You speak ah book about Caribbean people not doing endangered-people sports. LOL As for Anna Nicole everytime ah see she mout wen she drunk ah use to laff..but was more pictcha dey takin and more money she makin. ( Ah sorry for de little baby though). Madam Astronaut..lawd, ah neva taut of de fact dat she would ah be de fuss to greet ah visitor from outer space. Heaven help us, but at least she was able to put some ah she trainin to good use, eh! LOL (AM)

oh &^%$ woman. Behave nah! LMFAO! Is the astronaut that killing my tail here. She wear a pampers in truth? (GG)

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Well, yes, Macoomeh, U make meh laugh till I needed some Pampers too. I LOVED this story!!! PS: Everything you say I was thinking about too (HA HA HA HA) (TDV)

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I like it! So true!!! Now I see there's a security guard claiming paternity.
I was thinking of floating a story that ANS was killed by a hit man hired by Victoria Secret, because she was planning to sue them for putting inferior elastic in their knickers. Dem kep' falling off.
Jim Carey, the Canadian comedian, says he is the child's father, and that when he gets custody he plans to give her a fitting name: "Meal Ticket." (CR)

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yuh dozen behave man!! but oh GROM dese people does real make we look like Boy Scout and girl guide eh??? And tuh eemajine dat astronut woman was arready hornin she husband fuh de man who was hornin she in space! Lawd have his mussy in troot! Ah seein de headlines arready "HORN IN SPACE!" (MW)

oh shimans! ROFLMBAO!! Queenie, tell it like it is yes! Madam WHERE do you get all this? You born yesterday and writing like somebody who here long time! I love you bad and my wife loves you. She gave me permission to love you! LOL! (WW)

No but it's the diaper what had me rolling. And the way you put it if those aliens meet her in truth. They must turn back. (UH)

Queen Macoomeh, You’re killing me over here… but the stories are damn true yes! MORE, MORE!!! (AF)

The way you look and the way you write doan match up atall...wow. Who in their right mind wold tell you to swim with sharks? They mad? No sah! (HJ)

Queen, yuh reahl, reahl hit de nail on de blinkin' head wit' dis one ! From de snow hikin' right up to de moon wit de astronaut ting! Geez'an'agez yuh ain' eezy at-awl mama!!!! (AA)

Yuh rell good oui, ah thought fuh ah moment about calling meh brodder in Arima an tell him to play 16 fuh $20 by de wey wey man. Yuh knoe dais jammet Oman. How come yuh ent writing nutten bout de abolishion of slavery? is 200 years dis year ahready oui! (HS)

Gurl you sho ain't lie!!! I just about fall outta my chair with laughter at the sad, but stupid truth of life. They love de commes fu tru!!!! (AC)

QM Stop! Oh GAWD I laughed!! One star short of a constellation!! Child! Stop!! (TR)

gurl, yuh make me laff out loud.. how do you come up with stuff??.. you are the absolute best..keep them coming..!! (PB)

<laughing like hell> Madam Queen, you too much yes. You take some serious things and show us the stupidity of it all. (JJ)

Hay Queen, me reed u cullum sumtimes an always ha fu laaff but u outdid u self dis week in febry de 20 secon pearpa. Gal me laaff till me belly nearly bus. Aldo a trute u a talk it wus still very funny. Kip up de good work. A wan Antiga man dis a rite to u......(LB)